Things to remember when helping a friend:

Helping a friend through a difficult situation such as rape and sexual assault can be challenging and difficult. It is difficult to know what to say or how to be supportive. We have combined a list of some important things to remember when talking with a friend who has been sexually assaulted. Of course there is no easy answer, but here are a few tips:

BELIEVE your friend. It is difficult to disclose a sexual assault, especially if people don't believe you. Trust your friend.

LISTEN to your friend's story. Let your friend talk. Sometimes the most difficult, yet most effective thing we can do is listen without judgment. Our natural instinct often tells us that by giving advice or offering solutions, we can "fix" a situation, but typically the best help we can give is provide our support.

DON'T JUDGE them based on what has happened. Sexual assault survivors experience a roller coaster of emotions that oscillate from sadness to extreme frustration and/or hatred. Sometimes survivors will appear as though nothing is wrong. They believe that as long as they do not admit what has happened, nothing occurred. Denial is a common reaction. It is difficult to believe that someone took control over them and made them a victim. What they need to understand is that the rape is never the survivor's fault!

PROVIDE OPTIONS that help them decide what they want to do, but do not tell them what you think is best. Since everyone reacts differently to trauma, each person must decide whether going to the police, the hospital, calling the crisis line, and/or receive counseling, is a viable solution. Your responsibility as a friend is to discuss these options with them.

BE AWARE OF THE TENDENCY FOR DENIAL that is common after a sexual assault. One of the mind's coping mechanisms is to block out certain memories to protect itself. Don't get angry with your friend if specific details of the incident are forgotten or seem incongruent to you. Your friend has been traumatized and it is your responsibility to be supportive and help your friend sort out what happened.

BE SENSITIVE to the language you use when talking with your friend. Language is extremely critical when speaking with someone shortly after they have been assaulted. Many people are uncomfortable with the word rape or sexual assault. Use the terminology your friend uses.

RESPECT your friend's privacy. The details of the sexual assault is not your business. Asking too many questions may risk loosing your friend's trust. Listen to your friend's story. The police will ask enough questions, your role as a friend should be an advocate and a listener.

Encourage your friend to seek medical attention
If the rape just occurred, and your friend wants to get medical attention, you can go directly to the Emergency Room at CHOMP. Vital evidence could be on your friend's clothing or body, so it is important not to change clothes or take a shower.

You can either call the police and be transported to the hospital or drive directly to the hospital.

Getting medical care will help ensure treatment for non-visible injuries.

Medical staff can prescribe medication to prevent pregnancy and check for STDs.

Medical personnel will collect evidence which can later be used for prosecuting the perpetrator.

Encourage your friend to seek counseling
Calling a rape crisis line can help your friend deal with the rape by providing an impartial, confidential person to listen. Our services are 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and are available for survivors, friends and/or family of survivors. Please contact us at the office at 831-373-3955 or on the MCRCC 24-Hour Crisis Line at (831) 375-4357.

Counseling may be important to help you or your friend. The Monterey Rape Crisis Center offers both individual and group counseling at our local office. For more information click here .

Encourage you friend to consider reporting the attack
Reporting has to be the survivor's choice. The Monterey County Rape Crisis Center encourages survivors to explore all possible options.

When considering making a police report, remember:
Reporting the crime and pressing charges may help the person feel empowered.

Reporting can be extremely stressful, especially if it is someone they know that raped them. The Monterey County Rape Crisis Center will accompany individuals through the court process upon request.

Think seriously about reporting a crime. Rapists don't typically rape just once. The best way to prevent rape is by holding perpetrators accountable for their actions.

Let your friend know you are there for them
Your friend may not want to be alone. It can be intimidating to be alone shortly after being victimized. This is normal! Rape is a violation of oneís trust that is extremely traumatic and sometimes it is more comforting being with someone they can trust.

On the other hand, sometimes people want to be alone after an assault. This gives time to reflect and organize thoughts. Encourage them to write down their feelings in a journal or find another outlet to release their pain. Writing a story, singing a song, or dancing can all be effective ways of relieving tension.

Assure them that the rape is NOT THEIR FAULT and that no one deserves to be raped. One suggestion to counteract feelings of blame is to write down and sign a piece of paper saying "I am not to blame." Have your friend look at this whenever feelings of self-doubt occur and know that rape was never her fault!

Things to avoid doing if your significant other is a survivor:

Don't deny or ignore the sexual abuse/assault:
Not talking about the assault will not make it go away. Chances are both you and your partner are thinking about what happened, so you must face reality. Sharing emotions and feelings will help your relationship grow and hopefully make it stronger. Communication is essential to any relationship.

Don't blame the survivor:
The survivor has probably relived the event countless times and questioned "Why was I there?" or "What could have been done differently?"Sometimes hearing you ask these questions can trigger emotional responses and feelings of blame and self-doubt. The survivor needs to understand that the person she loves and trusts (You), do not blame her for what happened.

Don't ask too many questions (unless you are willing to hear the answers):
The details of the sexual assault may be gruesome and unpleasant. Your partner will tell you what she feels comfortable sharing. It's alright to ask questions and show your interest, but hearing the intimate details of a sexual assault can be difficult.

Don't blame yourself:
As an intimate partner, you must understand that some things will trigger emotional and/or physical responses and memories of the assault. Be patient. Most often it is not something directly related to your actions which are causing your partner to seemingly back off. Respect your partner if she doesn't want to have sex or feels "dirty," this is a normal reaction to rape. The assault was not your fault and you can't blame yourself for what someone else did.

Things to do if your significant other is a survivor:

Believe them and offer unconditional support:
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do as a partner is listen and believe. You do not have to understand the entire assault or emotional response to offer your support. Constantly reaffirming that you believe your partner can help heal wounds.

Affirm the experience:
As a significant other, you are not a counselor. You should not be trying to solve your partner's problems or "fix" everything. Your responsibility is to reaffirm your partner's emotions and confusion. Sexual assaults are not always clear or easy to understand. More likely, there is a mix of emotions: hatred, anger, confusion, sadness, forgiveness, mistrust, compassion, etc. Be prepared if your partner offers compassion to the perpetrator, this can be a part of the healing process.

Ask appropriate questions (show interest):
Because sexual assault can be such a volatile topic, more than likely something you say will upset your partner at some point in the relationship. Again, don't blame yourself, the most important thing is the care demonstrated by showing genuine interest. If your partner seems uninterested in sharing, be patient, you are both dealing with many emotions.

Ensure the survivorís safety:
Make sure the survivor feels comfortable and safe. If the assault happened in your home, change the locks. Understand if she doesn't want to be alone.

Educate yourself:
If you need help understanding what you or your partner or going through, seek a counselor or find articles to read to educate yourself. No one says you should deal with this all alone. You need to release your possible anger, tension and confusion as well.

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